walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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