hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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