I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I need a beard to bite.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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