On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
