I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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