I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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