I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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