i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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