Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
