Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
