woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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