its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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