Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
