Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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