I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
