Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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