I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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