Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
