the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
