apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
