I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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