I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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