My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
