Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
