we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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