vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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