He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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