I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
