Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
