Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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