dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
