I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
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