Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
