My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Are we still banned from the library?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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