the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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