thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
