You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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