You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
