Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Randomize
