I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.