So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We are all done wearing pants today
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
