hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.