So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
