I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
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If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!