is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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