I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
