You're earring is so big in my mouth
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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