i think i have herpe
just one?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
