Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
