Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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