Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
