I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
