I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
