my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
