I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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