i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
