she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
