Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
