I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
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Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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