OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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