My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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