She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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